is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
