I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
