i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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