I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So much Jack, so little girl.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
