We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
