Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
