I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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