she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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