Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
