y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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