I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
