someone threw a dead crab at me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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