pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
