i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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