You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
