i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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