smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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