my soul wont recognize me after tonight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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