It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
