you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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