i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
