I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
