So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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