My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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