the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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