Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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