I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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