i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need to calm my uterus...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
