i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Randomize
