I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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