I've blown a few things in my day
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
