If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
