a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
