I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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