I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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