There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
