I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
