We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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