I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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