So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
