remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
