This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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