Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
