so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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