just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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