you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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