so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
