he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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