I think I won the penis lottery.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
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he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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