I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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