Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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