maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
