how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
