So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
