I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
