Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
