This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
