someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
