GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
