my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I can text with my tongue
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When are your genitals available?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
