Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
