everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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