I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
