don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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